


Can't Breathe

by kndrmbs



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, Post-Break Up, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, Sad Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 02:18:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18561934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kndrmbs/pseuds/kndrmbs
Summary: He is Alexander Gideon Lightwood, the first-born Lightwood and the invincible shadowhunter. A protector and a leader. And yet he is here wailing like a little child lost in a strange place.OR....Alec comes back to the Insitute after the break up and reflects on the moments he had with Magnus. Can he ever recover?





	Can't Breathe

There have been a few times when Alec couldn’t breathe because of Magnus.

_I'm Magnus Bane. I don't think we've been formally introduced?_

The very first time he encountered the warlock – it didn’t matter that he made a bad pun about meat (although Magnus forbade him from ever mentioning it) – Alec thought he’d never seen anyone more fascinating. It was just the looks, because he had already seen the photographs, but there was something so striking about him that he couldn’t take his eyes off.

_I can't breathe. I can't do this. I thought we were doing the right thing but this isn't it._

Sometimes Alec wonders how his life would have been if Magnus hadn’t crashed the wedding that day and saved him from what was going to be the worst mistake in his life and the thought makes him shudder. The kiss opened a new door that led to so much happiness he’d never thought was possible.

_Magnus, they're beautiful. You're beautiful._

Their first night together. The moment he saw those golden eyes (which aren’t there now but will return) and felt the warm skin and muscles rippling under his fingertips. How Magnus’ body felt in his arms the next morning, how he looked up at him with sleepy eyes in the golden glow of the sun. Like an angel. 

Of course, not all of them are happy memories.

When Magnus collapsed in front of his own eyes, he felt the whole world collapse altogether. The blood. Magnus crying out in a language Alec couldn't understand. The anguish and pain in his face. The eerie silence booming from the lack of heartbeat. He felt his own heart stop for a moment as well. He could hardly breathe until Magnus was finally brought back to life by Cat.

And when the former warlock broke down in his arms, tightly clinging onto the younger male as if Alec was the only thing that stopped him from collapsing on the floor, he felt suffocated by the sound of Magnus’ sobs. His head was reeling and his heart was pounding, but he couldn’t let himself fall apart at that moment.

When the fiasco was over, he had to practically carry the exhausted and drunk Magnus to the bedroom. Magnus looked so fragile and small that night, even more than he had on that hospital bed. As if he had literally shrunken or been emptied, leaving only the shell. Alec held him in his arms and stroked his dark hair, whispering words of reassurance and when he finally fell asleep Alec went back to the balcony to clean up the mess. Luckily - or not - he didn't feel too saddened to see the abandoned flowers and the ring again because his thoughts were turned elsewhere:

 _I HAVE to fix this_. _HOW can I fix this?_

And he has fixed it. Because that’s what he does. Alec Lightwood is a problem-solver. Even if the cost is to leave an irreparable wound, he has to plunge into it once he finds a solution and there is no turning back. He knew he’d end up doing it even when Jace declared he’d never choose not to see Clary again even to save her. And he’d already made up his mind by the time Izzy tried to dissuade him. For Alec, it is the right thing to do and he doesn't turn away from what he believes to be right.

But.

He can’t breathe. It is like his lungs are filled with stones and there is no space left for air.

He lets his feet carry him to the Institute, oblivious to everything around him. He wishes he could just pass out and the only thing that keeps him going is the voice in his head telling him not to stop and turn around. Not to think about the warmth of Magnus’ lips and the tremor in his voice.

_Stay with me, ok? Come on, stay with me._

It would have been so much easier if Magnus had gotten angry and yelled at him. It would have been so much better if Magnus had given him a cold, disappointed look like he did when he found out about the Soul Sword. Instead, he begged Alec to stay. Magnus is not a man who begs for anything even in his most desperate and lowest moments. But he cupped his face with shaking hands and kissed him as if his whole world depended on those kisses. It took all his willpower not to reciprocate it and give in. Relishing Magnus’ shaky breath and soft lips touching his own, Alec fought hard not to put his arms around the other male’s body, bury his face on the neck and break down. He could not look him in the eyes; the desperation on the face of the love of his life was too much. It was too painful to watch Magnus being like that.

But Alec could not give in all the more for that reason. He is the source of what made Magnus change so much. Yes, he made him vulnerable and weak like Asmodeus said. He dragged the powerful high warlock down to the bottom and turned him into a desperate man. Alec still loves him no matter what, but Magnus can't love himself like that.

And he's sure Magnus will recover from this. He has fallen in and out of love countless times in his centuries of life. He's devastated because he thinks he's lost everything, but once he gets his magic back and realizes he _hasn't_ lost everything after all, he will regain the energy to get over the heartbreak. 

A new love will unlock his heart and get to see his golden eyes.

_But what about you? Can you recover?_

He recalls Izzy’s concerned voice, the question he couldn’t bear to answer.

_No, I can't._

Of course, life will go on. He will live on and the sharp pain might become a little blunt as years go by, but what he had with Magnus will always remain as a permanent scar like one of his runes; the reminder of the love he failed.

But it will have been worth it. If this is what Magnus need to live a better life, it is worth it. And he pushes away the little doubt burgeoning in his head over whether it will indeed grant Magnus a better life. 

Alec enters his own room and looks around. He swallows down the heavy lump in his throat which doesn’t go away. He leans against the door and inhales deeply and slowly, as if to remind himself to breathe. The room is in a slight mess with Magnus’ stuff and boxes scattered around. They were going to start a new chapter in their relationship. It feels surreal that it’s all in the past now when the painful evidence of Magnus’ presence is in full display. He can even still smell Magnus, the sandalwood scent lingering in the air. He wonders what Magnus might be doing or where he might be at this very moment. 

**Where are you stay...**

But he deletes the half-written messege. Magnus can afford a fancy suite for as long as he wants. He only agreed to stay at the Institute and live a humble life with unwelcoming stares from other shadowhunters because Alec insisted. He types again.

**I’ll send your stuff to the new apartment.**

He presses ‘send’ and and immediately regrets it. It was a stupid thing to do. He stares at the phone screen for a few good minutes but there is no reply. Scolding himself for his own foolishness (Seriously, what was he expecting? How pathetic can he be?), Alec throws himself on the bed feeling completely knackered. Then he sees a familiar piece of clothing lying next to him.

It’s his black tank top Magnus borrowed once and hasn't bothered to return.

By the angel, how he drove Alec crazy with desire when he kicked ass during the training session! Magnus kept claiming the tank top like some kind of a trophy and honestly Alec didn't mind. On the contrary, the sight of Magnus in it - and he looked so good - used to send a rather strange mixture of lust and fuzzy sensation to his belly. He smiles fondly at the memory before tears well up in his eyes. He buries his face in the shirt and breathes in the familiar scent of Magnus.

Before he realizes what is happening, he is taken over by uncontrollable sobs. Something inside him explodes and bursts through the hard walls as he clutches onto the black fabric just like Magnus clutched onto him to keep himself from falling apart.

Alec has rarely cried in his life. Until Magnus came along, he'd firmly believed emotions were only there to distract you and cloud your judgements. He is Alexander Gideon Lightwood, the first-born Lightwood and the invincible shadowhunter. A protector and a leader. And yet he is here, wailing like a little child lost in a strange place. Magnus unlocked something in him and broke down the doors. Now he wishes he could close those doors again. He wants the lock back. 

_Magnus, I really can’t live without you. What should I do?_

 


End file.
